That’s right, fuck ‘em. Everywhere I look, some ass clown is referencing ninjas as if they’re cool, or cracking ninja jokes as if they’re funny. Today, I’d like to set the record straight; I’d like to show everyone that ninja references are neither cool nor funny (unless by “funny” you mean “queer”). First, let’s look at some examples to help you understand the severity of this ninjademic. I did a Google search for [ninja] and found an unusually-diverse assortment of results, which included the following:
- www.ninjanewyork.com – a “ninja-style restaurant”
- www.ninjakiwi.com – free online games
- ninjawords.com – a “really fast dictionary”
- www.ninjatrader.com – electronic trading software
- www.chessninja.com – info about chess
- www.internetmarketingninjas.com – “make money online” program
- www.sustainabilityninja.com – info about eco-friendly stuff
As you descend through the ranks of search results, the relationship between the products and ninja becomes increasingly obscure. The concept of ninja has lost all meaning and is now purely a marketing gimmick. Even bums are tapping into the marketing power of the ninja.
The only thing worse than a bum is an unoriginal bum.
Whatever your business is, chances are there’s someone out there trying to gain an advantage in that niche by stuffing their marketing campaign with ninja references. But Why? Why does everyone just assume that the ninja version of something is inherently better than its organic version?
In order to answer that question, we must look at the history of the ninja. Many ninja enthusiasts suggest the first occurrence of ninja-like activity can be traced back to the first century, to a guy named Prince Yamato. According to ancient Japanese literature, Prince Yamato disguised himself as a young girl and drew the attention of a guy they called Brave of Kahakami. As the story goes, Prince Yamato flirted with–and teased the cock of–Brave of Kahakami, before finally drawing his sword and assassinating him. So there you go. No black suit, no ninja stars, and no climbing abilities whatsoever–no, the first ninja ever… was a cross dresser.
The sad truth is that ninja were a bunch of pussies in the face of traditional Japanese warfare. You had the honorable samurai out there, fighting like real men and squaring off face-to-face, and then you had the bitch-ass ninja, sneaking around and killing people in their sleep. Or I should say “trying to kill people.” According to this essay about the history of the ninja, there’s not one single documented case of a successful assassination attempt made by a ninja (the author doesn’t count that cross dresser one). Furthermore, the essay explains how the black ninja outfit was invented by Japanese theaters, which emphasized the stealthy nature of ninjas by dressing the ninja actor in the same all-black outfit that “invisible” stagehands wore. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, check out this scene from Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Jason Segel: invisible stagehand or Dracula's ninja sidekick?
So essentially, everything we’ve ever been told about ninjas is 100% bullshit. In reality, ninjas were a bunch of pussies who wore plain [women's] clothes and got slaughtered by the thousands (probably at the hands of angry homophobic samurai suffering from blueballs). Nevertheless, pop culture and advertising continue to suggest that ninjas are cool and/or funny. I mean seriously, how many of these fuckin’ things can one planet sustain:
3x3 matrix of not funny
Enough already. Let the ninja references die.
Join me in my fight against ninja jokes. You can help by spreading the word that ninja’s are cross-dressing, nonviolent bitches. The sooner the world knows the embarrassing truth about ninja, the sooner they’ll shut the fuck up about them. For those of you who prefer a more subtle approach, I have edited a few of the images from the not-funny matrix and made them available to you. I encourage you to post them on forums and websites, in order to neutralize the effects of pro-ninja propaganda. With your help, we can have the whole world saying… fuck ninjas.
ANTI-NINJA PROPAGANDA
Fuck Ninjas Motivational Posters are licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 United States License.
- Ask a Ninja – this guy has a ton of genuinely-entertaining videos. His use of the ninja theme is a means of delivery that complements his comedy–it’s not a replacement for comedy.
- Ninja Gaiden – only because its roots go back as far as the original NES. Ninja Gaiden has earned its OG status.
- Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles – I grew up with the Ninja Turtles, and I cannot deny the countless good times we shared together.
- This guy:
{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }
there is a fuken hole in your damn pants duah
hahahaha ninjas are awesome get a life
dont our american forces hide around and try to kill people without getting got hmmmm i think they are called SEALS, SNIPERS, SPEC OPS why dont you call one of them a pussy lets see what happens
@joey
You’re entitled to your life of cross-dressing, homoerotica, and sexually-transmitted diseases–I think I should be entitled to have no life at all.
@SAMIAM
American forces–including SEALs, snipers, and spec ops–are all a bunch of pussies. If you weren’t morbidly obese, perhaps you could join them. You’d be some kind of high-ranking pussy, like maybe a Major General Pussy.
the ninjas are the bes in the world just look the page of bujinkan ninjutsu
and you see the real ninjas or try youtube.com to see them
go toNational Geographic Channel Fight Science or download it
the ninja there is amazing. In the show the scientists the had all the technology and test dummies came to the conclution that the ninja is the ultimat human weapon. you must see it. if you dont like ninjas this will change your mined
????
IM A NINJA!!! WHY DONT YOU CALL ME A NAME TO MY FACE AND NOT ON THE NET YOU PUSSY ASS BITCH!!!!
@SLYCE KILLAKLOWN
1.) Because you’re just a kid.
2.) Because I don’t associate with cross-dressers.
3.) Because round-trip travel expenses to York, Nebraska are prohibitively expensive.
I like Prince Yamato. I thought he was pretty cool — crossdressing ninjas? Hell yes, haha. That’s just cool.
The dude in the last picture is hysterical-looking, though. XD
Right on. Was so happy to find this article. Even though it’s not as accurate as it could be, Deadliest Warrior pitted a Ninja against a Spartan (Not Halo, Greece, in case you were confused). The Ninja got killed by a one foot sword, and the Spartan was essentially wearing just a breastplate, greaves, and a helmet. His SHIELD alone was a deadlier weapon than anything the Ninja had. Ninjas were originally intended to kill Samurai, and a Spartan is simply a less armored version of a Samurai.
*Trollface* Problem?