Myspace, A Place For Friends, And Fuckheads

I was flipping through profiles like porno playing cards when I came across one for an astonishingly attractive girl named BaBiMoNa.  Naturally, like any sentient being sporting a Y-chromosome, I started to hit on her via email.  We exchanged a few words back and forth, but then BaBiMoNa became as cold as the Soviet Union during the 1950’s.  Below is my last correspondence to her.

Original Message:

You know what, that still doesn’t answer any of my questions.  WHY ARE YOU PLAYING THIS GUESSING GAME WITH ME?  Is a little more about you too much to ask for?  I have told you of my nagging need-to-know mentality.  So, I have taken the liberty of analyzing your profile more in-depth, to at least answer my biggest question:  Is she who she says she is?  Now, you may think I’m being a bit crazy… and in hindsight, maybe I am.  Here’s what I have come up with…

#1 – On the “general interests” section of your profile you wrote “guy on guy action.”  Though this is a very common “interest” for a model, as the industry is mostly gay or bisexual, it makes me believe you could be a man who prefers sodomy (with no reach-around) over oral. You just never know.

#2 – EVERYTHING written on your profile is overly trendy.  Laguna Beach?  Paris Hilton!?!?!  C’mon.  It says to me you are the typical model-type – shallow, self-centered, stupid – a stereotype that might fit all too flawlessly in your case.  Either you made yourself sound like this because it’s a social networking site and hey, who really gives a flying fuck, you ARE this person (which I highly doubt), or you are someone else (probably a dude that confuses anal beat-downs with pleasure).

#3 – You only have two pictures posted.  Again, not too terribly uncommon, but still, something that caught my attention and exists in my mind for a reason.  What’s wrong?  Can’t Photoshop these things fast enough?

#4 – I’ve read through your “friends” comments.  It doesn’t seem like anyone really knows you.  And it doesn’t say anywhere, or make reference to, anyone actually seeing you in person.  Are you real?  Are your friend’s convinced you are who you say you are?  I had to find out… so I checked out their profiles as well.  First was 17-year-old Sarah, also from or living in Rochester, MI.  There was no indication through the comments I read that you two had ever seen each other.  The fact that you both are from Rochester holds a little bit of weight… maybe, maybe not.  High school friends?  16-year-old Kendra from Rochester, MI also seemed very amiable in her comments to you.  Still, nothing provided any evidence that she ever met you in person.  19-year-old Scott from MI seemed particularly interested in you – you and two other girls – as mentioned on his profile.  One of the other girls just so happens to be 16-year-old Kendra.  Is this your former clique?  Are these the people you used to “run with” back in the day?  Scott has few friends.  His writing is similar to yours.  And by similar I mean retarded.  I wonder… are you Scott?  That would be my best guess.  Gabe claims to be 21, but contradicts himself when saying he’s 14 or 15, what the fuck is that all about?  Fucking faking little fuck!  Gabe is also from Rochester… just another guy you compliment for being “hot”… most likely NOT a real friend.  22-year-old Mr. Belding resides in Beverly Hills.  I was hoping this guy has met you in the flesh as you now live in the same city… HA!  But again, there was nothing to suggest that.  I don’t have much to say about 21-year-old Aaron except for that he’s probably an illegal immigrant and wanted for several charges of bestiality back in his hometown in Mexico.  He must have fled his country in the hopes of finding happiness and freedom from persecution (for his heinous sex crimes).  So, he jumped the border and started moving around the U.S.  I expect he’s employed part-time as a day laborer.  He’s most likely standing in front of some Home Depot somewhere right now in a predominantly Mexican populated area (and if I didn’t take that bigoted point of view far enough, please feel free to add to it in you own mind).

So there you have it.  The result of my analysis:  I still wouldn’t mind hooking up with you this weekend.  If you feel so inclined to return a response, I hope you include some answers.  I don’t even care if you are NOT this BaBiMoNa girl.  If you told me, even after all of this, that you ARE that pimply-faced faggot hovering over a keyboard, I would most likely laugh my ass off at how you’ve mind-fucked my brains out… “You fuckin’ got me… shit!”  Except if I ever see you walking the street somewhere, I’ll kill you.  But if by some chance I have misinterpreted EVERYTHING, please let me know, accept my sincerest apology, and perhaps we can reserve an 8pm table at Chart House on Saturday, my dime.

Unsurprisingly, she never responded back.