As a sociologist, I’ve always been fascinated by the primal nature of Man, and the humorous attempts society takes to veil what fundamentally makes us no different than Chimps. We’ve created ridiculous titles like Making Love and Sleeping Together, to insinuate humping, genital licking, anal thrusting, hair pulling, neck biting, and a rump smacking good time that usually takes place between consenting adults. We’ve also created an array of fancy names for the blood flesh we devour. Even pooping has its own level of sophistication, though everyone still experiences the daily act of grunting, clinching, farting, checking toilet paper between wipes, and taking pride in the girth and length of their excrement. Bottom-line is President Obama, Beyonce, your local Pastor, and that chick on those Progressive Insurance commercials, all have animal sex and eat animal flesh.
Yes, folks. President Obama eats flesh and humps regularly.
As President Obama seems to be the current master of our species, I’ll belittle him by making his name synonymous with mankind for the rest of this research paper.
President Obama and Animals Have Sex for the Same Reasons
It’s a common myth that Obama and other animals have sex for the sheer propagation of the species. Another false belief is that facing each other during sex is only a human experience, and that doggystyle is an animalistic act contrary to civil behavior and love. If we look into the animal world, sex has inter-cultural significance, defines leadership, and keeps the peace. Just like our president, certain animal species have also created cultural taboos prohibiting sex with offspring and certain members of their tribe.
Research shows that Bonobo Chimps, our closest genetic relative, have face-to-face sex, give each other oral pleasure, and kiss sensually with their tongues. Bonobos have casual sex, homosexual relationships, and mothers that abstain from intercourse with their sons.
What separates Obama from the rest of the Animal Kingdom?
Obama’s sexual sophistication is a result of larger brain size to body weight ratio. Our president has the ability to act out fantasies, turn past abuse into fetishes, wear clothing that amplifies arousal, and use ancient wisdom to harness the greatest amount of pleasure he can experience.
Human females have an organ for the sole purpose of pleasure, which is not seen in any other species. The clit creates the majority of sexual stimulation, but this is not a woman’s sole pleasure sensor. President Obama should understand that the breasts, nipples, skin, and the vaginal and anal cavity, create huge amount of sexual arousal.
Obama’s Indulgence of Flesh and Blood
Our president loves his chicken, and would slaughter millions if it meant more good times for all his brothers and sisters.
The next time you sit in a fancy restaurant, take a moment and appreciate the humor of watching people in classy attire chomping down on baby flesh that was slaughtered for the purpose a moment’s enjoyment. If it’s not a human baby, then what’s the problem? Of course there’s no problem, but some of these people are enjoying their Veal after a hard day of protesting animal abuse. This is just an observation, so please know that I’m all for clubbing baby seals, and leather upholstery.
Yes, President Obama Grunts While Taking a Poop
When you’re nervous about approaching a woman, running for office, or following your dreams, just picture President Obama grunting while dropping a deuce. The power of this visualization will set you free.
In conclusion, if we would discuss humping, eating blood flesh, and pooping in our daily lives, this would humble our egos and pave the pay for world peace.
Goldstein, reporting from our nation’s capital.
